28 Laser Holes
February 01, 2007

I went to a skin doctor a few weeks ago and I went to him again today.  For at least ten years or so, I've had little red bumps that come and go on my scalp that I always assumed was from sweat, dirt, and oil.  Kind of like pimples, but just in a very uncomfortable place.  I figured it was just one of god's punishments for me being so ugly and retarded.

The spots get pretty bad sometimes and they seem to happen most often during the summer.  Out of habit, I'll often pick at them and make them worse.  Since one of Jin's sister's husband's friends is a Dermatologist (say that 10 times fast), I thought I'd ask him about it.  He said I have chronic seborrheic dermatitis!  As soon as he said that, I asked him how long I have to live.  I figured anything that sounded that horrible meant you were going to die in a few days.  He said it was quite common and to not worry about it.  I just need to put some medicine on the spots and use a special shampoo for a little bit.  But this was a minor annoyance compared to what was next.

Today was checkup day.  I decided to take this opportunity to show him these weird little spots that I have under my arms, on my inner thighs, and back.  It's these little pieces of extra skin that poke out.  He called it "soft tissue" something.  It's like my body is trying to grow extra limbs or something.  Perhaps I should join the X-Men?  He said they were no big deal and he could take them off with a laser.

I, assumed, the laser would just sear off the extra skin and there would be minimal pain and little after effects.  Boy was I wrong.  I now have GIANT laser holes all over my body.  28 of them!

I didn't know it then, but I know now that I agreed to what was about to be one of the oddest sensations of my life.  As he shot laser holes into my body under my arms, I yelped in agony and gritted my teeth like I was have triplets.  Then the nurse would wipe the fresh laser hole with gauze.  This, of course, would make me laugh.  You see, I'm a little ticklish there.  So, over & over & over, the patients in the waiting room would hear "IIIYYYAAA!" in pain followed by "HAHAHAHA!"  I bet the doctor lost a few patients that day.

The two on my back were pretty big.  One was easily the size of a dime.  On these spots, he shot me with an anesthetic shot so I didn't actually feel any pain (or pleasure).  Speaking of pleasure, I also had numerous weird soft tissue extra limbs on my inner thighs.  Perhaps this wasn't God's work but the Devils.  Maybe the Devil wanted me to grow 9 extra penises for "Debbie Does Dallas 10?"

What I learned today about Korea:  1)  I had 348 extra penises.